Saturday 25 June 2011

The Dear Old English Language

Had you noticed how much corruption is occurring in the English language? 'Your' instead of 'you're' and 'off of' instead of . . . heaven alone knows what - just to demonstrate a couple.

My guess is that over the years radio and television have enabled everyone to hear a wide application of the use and context of language. In contemporary times there is little doubt that texting has proliferated the use of many rather pitiful short forms. But sadly, I feel that poor education has encouraged little in the way of the teaching of reasonable grammar or spelling. Language always has to evolve, but the current trend towards the adoption of lazy or misused words and expressions seems particularly unfortunate.

So I thought I should list just a few of my absolute pet hates and give some kind of comment/example/alternative:

My all time pet hate is the the misuse of the word 'OF' as in 'I really should of paid attention in English at school!' That should be 'I really should HAVE paid attention in English at school!' The 'of' is rubbish and comes from completely failing to realise that the short form is 'should've' or 'could've' where the ''ve' stands for 'HAVE' not 'OF'!

'Your' is used to denote ownership - 'This is your toy'. 'You're' tells of an event or existence and is short for 'You are' - 'You're going to ruin your language, so you're an idiot!'. Whereas 'Your supposed to hand in your work to show your learning something' has no actual meaning at all.

'Its' is also to do with ownership - 'Stroke its tummy'. Whereas 'it's' is short for 'it is' - 'It's just not fair' or 'If it's not careful it will break its finger'. This is where 'it's' is known as an exception to a grammatical rule - please keep reading!

'Comprise' has almost exactly the same interpretation as 'consists of' - so 'comprises of' actually translates to 'consists of of' which has no practical meaning at all. Comprise has no OF after it! I don't (short for 'I do not') understand why people use 'big' words they don't fully understand, when simple words would work just as well (actually better because they don't reveal the user's poor grip of English). Note: In the case of 'user's' this is short for 'of the user' which would be put after the noun instead of before the noun. If it were to refer to many users it would be 'users' '. 'Its', above, is an exception!

'Off of' is an expression I do not really understand as I have never had any occasion when I have been at such a loss for words that I should have needed to use that particular combination. All I can imagine is that it means 'from' or simply 'off'. As a combination of two words I cannot see that it has any actual meaning at all. In colloquial speech perhaps it's OK; in writing it is quite extraordinarily dreadful.

'It cost me forty pound.' 'Forty pound' is what exactly? I think that was meant to be - 'it cost me forty pounds'. 'Can I lend fifty quid please?' - I don't know, can you? 'Can I borrow fifty quid please?' is probably what is intended!

There are many more examples, but I'm sure you get the general drift so I'll leave it at that for now. There is of course the danger that I shall also commit some grammatical/spelling crime (if I've not already done so) which will be picked-up by some eagle-eyed reader - so I'd best quit whilst I'm ahead.

It is in business letters where this bad language is at its most unfortunate. When you receive a letter from a reputable company and there are three or four grammatical/spelling faux-pas, it is the perception of the company that suffers. In my opinion this is rightly so as it indicates a deterioration in recruitment standards or monitoring which is indicative of the current state of the company.

Saturday 4 June 2011

The great Woman vs Man driver debate.

This commentary starts with two conditions which must be taken along with the comments. 1) This is absolutely NOT intended to be sexist or showing a preference for either sex. There is just no point in that kind of discussion - that's for numpties. 2) It is based on massive generalisations - along with so many discussions on all kinds of subjects. If it does not apply to you, that's quite OK and perfectly within the bounds of probability.

Men and women are different (though there are those who seem unwilling to acknowledge that except when it suits them)! They perform different functions within the whole social and procreative cycle of the continuance of mankind. It therefore stands to reason that there are some quite profound differences in the way they perceive our 'environment'. Spacial awareness being one area where there frequently appears to be a variance of perception.

Men are generally considered to be more analytical and women often more intuitive. Go to Ikea for a wardrobe and the man will probably focus on the practicalities and the woman on the aesthetics. It is my contention that the man will look at the spacial aspects of the object and the woman the physicality, the presence of the object.

If we now go to driving - which is where I was going in the first place - I should like to suggest that men see the space in the road environment and women see the physicality of it. Men will analyse the dynamic space around road objects whereas women will focus on the physical presence of road objects.

This could go some way towards explaining the contentious difference between the approach to driving between men and women. Men analyse the space available around objects and make a decision based on that assessment. Women see the objects themselves and their potential to impact on them and therefore make their decisions based on that set of criteria.

If you think about it, this might explain why men take more risks; have more accidents; drive faster. And women are more cautious; drive more defensively; have fewer accidents. Men become impatient when women take a long time moving-out at a junction for example, and according to a recent survey women are less stressed in traffic jams. Is this because the objects are moving more slowly and are therefore more predictable creating a less threatening environment? Whereas men would find it frustrating because it is restrictive - there is no space to get on with it.

Tiff Needell - formerly a racing driver, now a car show presenter - suggested on air that the reason men become stressed in traffic jams and women very much less so, is because women are less concerned about being late. What do you think?

Thursday 2 June 2011

Wo-man and the great political correctness issue

Just recently, at a meeting of a local committee, the Chair-man, -person, -woman (or, most ridiculously the Chair) had difficulty trying to decide how she should be addressed.
In this day and age of absurd sensitivities, it has been decreed by some form of biased-consent that -man or -men at the end of a 'title' is sexist. This has always caused me some confusion because one of the most fundamental words used for referring to those of the female form of the advanced intellectual bipeds that inhabit this planet of ours, is WOMAN of the species HUMAN.
Now, call me a kipper, but three fifths of both of these fundamental nouns comprise the word which refers to the male of our species called MAN. Surely this is quite unacceptable in this current climate. It is my contention that individuals of this particular group of our species of three-brained-beings should be referred to as WOPERSON and in multitude WOPEOPLE. As for MALE and FE-MALE - well I should like to leave that one to someone else to sort-out!
I should also like to propose that forthwith and with no further delay the noun for our species should become HUPERSON and we therefore become on mass - HUPEOPLE. Alternatively we adopt a word from a non-English language which has no horrible sexist connotation.
Failing that, can we drop all this idiocy and refer to the head of a committee as the Chairman, then we all know what we are talking about. I for one, sit on a CHAIR, I don't defer to one!